Please note, this article will sound pretentious

I like to imagine my life as some biography-worthy experience. As someone famous or wealthy, who belongs on the cover of Time, or GQ. Or if not, a tormented genius who ponders the world from a haze. My writings, sorta like this column, churned out and, unlike this column, analyzed for its unique takes on the world. 

These thoughts often come as I’m driving, at work, or daydreaming. And I’m assuming many people have had similar thoughts. But are they as pervasive? This worries me as it becomes a hit to my humility, artificially, unhealthily lifting my ego, as if I expect to deserve this life. 

Because I also question what I’ve done to deserve this. Have I actively tried to find work directing or acting? Apart from that one random agency my parents took me to in 7th grade, which I hated, no. Have I been absorbed in philosophy? Apart from the occasional Sisyphus 55 video, not really. Could I consider these articles the pinnacle of academic writing? Definitely not. 

I just find it odd that I want to romanticize my life or struggles in such a TikTok mental health disorder way, when people found it cool to suffer from something. Why do I find things like this so deep? Because I understand how negative that is on someone’s life, and I just want to be more chill. 

Adding to the noise is my end goal. I wanted to have this lifestyle to someday do something that I genuinely enjoy, becoming some spiritual, down-to-earth figure. Like Andre 3000 with the flutes. Thats cool. But he highlights fame as an almost traumatic experience. 

Recently, I’ve come to terms that I might not live that life, and if anything it would be healthier if I didn’t. We see celebrity figures succumb to the pressures of scrutiny, and I don’t want my life on blast all the time. Similarly, a mentally confused genius lifestyle would come with its obvious health implications.  Like I wrote in some supplemental, I could find myself changing the world on an individual level, maybe as a teacher, or mentor. 

Or I should just do what I enjoy, and go with whatever happens. A lifestyle I’ve been trying to pursue more. But that’s still a process. A long, arduous process as I continually seek my peace.